Telling people that I am a recovering alcoholic is still difficult for me.

I know that it seems like what I’m about to say is total shit, but I’ve always been an extremely private person.  Always having been introverted and shy, I really don’t like telling people personal information.  Yup, I know how stupid that sounds considering that I am sharing my business on the internet.  But that’s the truth of it.

And as I said above, it is still difficult for me to tell people “no, I don’t drink anymore.”  I don’t have a problem saying “no” when they offer me a glass of wine, that comes pretty naturally now.  It is the follow-up.  The somewhat quizzical look and the “since when?” head nod that makes me all awkward.  I can’t even say that I’m afraid because someone has reacted poorly.  That isn’t the case at all.  Everyone has been kind and supportive, and some people have been genuinely interested, asking lots of follow up questions and such.  But it is a huge thing about myself to reveal to another person.  On the one hand it gives them an insight into me, we become closer through that shared knowledge.  On the other hand, in the way that I am used to seeing things, it gives them power over me.  By telling that other person I am trusting them to a) not tell anyone else, and b) to not use it against me at some future point.  (You would think from the way I talk that everyone I know is a grifter or a spy.  They aren’t.  I am just not super trusting.)  It is easy for me to get caught between letting things be awkward for a few minutes and not answering unasked questions, or explaining why I would rather have water and opening myself up to condemnation, pity or gossip.

More than in my personal life, I feel torn in my professional life.  I’m a 3rd grade teacher.  Only one other person who works at my school knows that I am in recovery.  She and I have been friends for over 10 years and she knew before I started working at the school, so it is more that she is a friend who knows rather than a co-worker who knows.  But I’m starting to feel like I am keeping this big secret from my co-workers.  I don’t feel particularly close to many of them, and I know that it is my doing.  They have reached out and tried to form friendships with me, and I have been very reticent.  And I know that a huge part of it is that I don’t really want to tell them that I am a recovering alcoholic, but I know that truth is a huge aspect of who I am.  

So how close is it possible for me to be to someone if they don’t know?  What kind of friendships can I have with my coworkers if I continue to keep my personal life guarded like the gate to Azkaban?  In a way it is like I am still hiding the way I was a year ago.  To a very select few people I am completely open and honest, and everyone else better stay the fuck away.

(1 Year and 23 Days Sober)

Hi, my name is Andrea and I’m an alcoholic.

In September 2011 I was sitting in a church.  My roommate from freshman year of college was getting married.  In the midst of the Mass everything went completely silent around me.  From the center of my being I heard a voice.  

“This is wrong.”

I was terrified.  What just happened to me?  What the HELL was that supposed to mean?  It took my a couple days to admit to myself (and a few weeks after that to admit to anyone else) that in the first quiet sober moment I had had in quite a while God bitchslapped me so hard with the unavoidable truth that there was a deep wrongness to my life and how I was dying it.

At the reception I told a good friend that I thought I might be an alcoholic.  I had been having uncontrollable panic attacks for days, as I had been struck with the idea that I had been engaged in suicidal behavior since I was 12 and now at 28 I was drinking as if I wanted to die.  This reception was a total hoot for my friend.  Even though I had yet to really process what had happened to me in the church, my heart worked with material at hand and reached out to someone I trusted with a terrible admission of my brokenness.

Flying back to DC from California I cried on and off for hours, much to the joy of the poor saps sitting next to me.  By the time I landed I knew I couldn’t go on as I had been.  The next day I made the call to find a meeting.

To get myself to actually go to said meeting I wrote an email to 5 friends, giving them a semi-hysterical account of the situation.  I just needed to tell someone.  I need to know that there were people out there who knew I was suffering and who could spare a prayer for me.  And because I have the most amazing friends they responded with love, support, humor, kindness, but most of all, with words.  Those words were like hands holding mine in the darkness.  Those words were the contact that keep all my atoms from flying apart.

Alcoholism robbed me of my words.  I became silent.  For me, sobriety is an act of speaking (in person or in writing).  As my first year of sobriety passed I added more people to the email list, and kept writing. This blog is an extension of those emails. 

(1 Year and 22 Days Sober)

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