I’m really good at making a lot of plans and not doing jack shit about them.
It’s a special talent. I know you’re jealous.
No seriously, my whole week was this strange undecided space. I would make a plan about what I was going to get done during the day and then it just wouldn’t happen. It wasn’t really that I would do something else instead. It was just that I would putz around on the internet or take a nap or whatever. I went to work, to adoration, to a party for out-of-town friends, and saw two movies. Really, I have been busy.
But I’ve also had hours where I haven’t done anything and I’ve looked at various to-do lists, or tasks that a painfully apparent (read: CLEAN THE FRAKKING BATHROOM) and I’ve just not. I want to be a person who can stay calmly and consistently on top of the things in her life, but it’s like I have no incentive to do anything until it is a total crisis.
I would be really much calmer professionally if I did my grading every day, but no, I save the whole week’s grading for the weekend, then I see the huge pile and start crying. If I did laundry when there was one load I wouldn’t have to spend a whole day shlepping 7 loads up and down to the laundry room in the basement of my apartment building. If I responded to emails at the end of the day that they actually came in then I wouldn’t be constantly consumed with low-level guilt that so-and-so thinks I’m ignoring them. There are so many daily things that I could do that would make my life easier, would stave off the panic before it begins and I feel like my life is spinning out of control.
But I don’t do these things.
Or if I do, it’s not really on a regular basis enough to count. I wonder if it is simply that I cannot convince myself that these daily things are really worth doing. That I manage to trick myself into not remembering when everything is falling apart how happy I am when things are under control. On the other hand I might just be so habituated to being a hot mess of a human being that I don’t take care of small things as they come up because that is too much like what a functional person would do. It could be that I am just lazy as all fuck. That would be the Occam’s Razor answer.
Whatever the reason behind why I wasted so many perfectly useful hours of this week, I need to get my ass in gear, because I am not a fan of what I’m (not) doing right now. Uncool me, time to fix this shit.