On Saturday I went to my friend Tim’s funeral.

In a moment of deep self-centeredness I had a minor breakdown over the fact that most people I know were at a wedding while I was at a funeral and isn’t that just the most telling statement about my life to date.  As soon as the words escaped my mouth I felt like a total ass.  To make me feel like even more of an ass, I hadn’t been invited to said wedding, so I wouldn’t have been there anyway, funeral or not.  You would think after a whole lifetime I wouldn’t be surprised by how ridiculous I can be, but every so often I find new and amazing ways to be a self-involved asshat.

All of this is to say that I will miss my friend.  Tim was a wonderful man.  He was funny, smart, kind, and selfless.  We both got to school early, so we would talk before everyone else arrived.  Politics, religion, football, all those subjects you’re not supposed to talk about, that was what Tim was interested in.  Tim helped me navigate my first few years of teaching, I was able to encourage him by understanding his Beyond the Fringe references.  I have no idea what my day will be like on Wednesday, our first day of school, when I arrive at the building and Tim isn’t there.  Will it feel like school is actually happening?  How can we have school if Tim isn’t there?

I can’t answer those questions.  I can’t plan for what will happen to our school without Tim.  I couldn’t plan to have lunch after the funeral with my AHM and his family and have a conversation with his 13 year old daughter about where she will be getting tattoos when she’s old enough.  I can’t plan for how long I will cry.

So I put together a bookshelf.  A bookshelf I bought a year ago, that has been sitting every since in my closet in its flat-pack box.  Small accomplishment in the scheme of things, I know, but I’m glad I did it.  It was a waste to have bought it and never set it up.  And I needed something to do, other than sit around feeling sorry for myself and fearful of the future.

I guess you could say summer is officially over.

(2 Years, 11 Months and 10 Days Sober)