You know what I really hate?

I hate the fact that when you act like an asshole, there’s no way to escape it.

I was losing it all last week, and by Friday I was unfit for human company. That didn’t stop me from going to work, acting like a hysterical tyrant to my students and then throwing a hissy fit during a staff meeting.

I could say that there are a lot of reasons that I went down to crazy town. It’s been a long winter. I’m too demanding on myself and others. I’m trying to handle too many issues at once. I’m underslept. I’m underpaid. The list could go on and on.

The truth: sometimes I’m an asshole.

Sometimes anyone and everyone can be an asshole. I’m not special in this. I just find it particularly unpleasent when I am the one being an asshole, because then I’m trapped.

Open Facebook? Oh, there are the co-workers I spewed posion at. Go to Mass? Yup, there’s one of my students with her family. Stay at home and read? Well, fuckballs, then I have to be alone with my thoughts, regrets and guilt.

There is no way to say, “Can we all just pretend THAT didn’t happen?”

People are forgiving. They do pretend. It doesn’t mean they forgot, just that they’re too nice to pile on when I already feel ashamed of my behavior.

And that is it’s own form of torture.

(2 Years, 5 Months and 12 Days Sober)