My heart can hold onto hurt without me even knowing it.

I was standing at my dinning room table on Sunday.  I’d just finished grading some math papers that has piled up from having the flu last week.  Suddenly I was sobbing.  Not crying.  Sobbing.  

I found out two weeks ago that life has taken a blessed turn for a person who harmed me deeply while I was drinking.  I’m no longer in contact with this person.  I couldn’t keep them and stay sober at the same time, so they went.  It was time, and while I’m not entirely proud of the way I made my exit, I don’t regret my choice.  In fact, I have done my best over the last (almost) two years since the last time we spoke to not think or speak about this person.  To neither hold ill will or to wish well.  To just let go.

And I thought I had done that.  I thought I had let go.  But there I was, double over with full body tears and consumed with anger I didn’t know I had.  How could God give such a gift so someone who had hurt me so much?  Didn’t he know what I’d suffered?  Didn’t he know that she didn’t deserve good?

I haven’t let go.  I’m not really sure how to.  But now I know it’s there.

(2 Years, 18 Days Sober)