“Don’t think about the past, it will make you sad.  Don’t think about the future, it will make you scared.  Think about right now.  Right now you have peace, so there is no reason you cannot end this day happy.”

This is what the priest said to me in confession yesterday.  I made it out of there before I started bawling.

The last couple of days have had some social events with people I don’t really know.  Two friends have turned 30, one on Friday and one yesterday, and at both parties I was there with people I either had never met or didn’t know very well.  I’m not even totally comfortable with people I have known for years, so strangers (relative or complete) are pretty much a no-go for me.  I don’t do “meeting new people.”  But that felt to selfish in light of “it’s my birthday!”

I think that the strain of doing something thing that makes me uncomfortable is what got me to confession.  I’m not a big confession go-er.  Actually I kind of avoid it like the plague.  But, it was fairly easy yesterday to just make it part of the schedule: sandwich some discomfort between some other discomfort.

Part of why I don’t dig meeting new people, and sometimes really pity my friends, is that I don’t consider myself a “happy” person.  I kind of gave up a long time ago thinking that I would ever be anything other than serious and bitchy.  I’m not lighthearted or fun.  So meeting new people is kind of torturous because I know that they’re going to figure out really soon that I’m a total bummer who thinks too much about the decline of civilization and the crippling effects of societal irresponsibility.  I’m probably the only person who is genuinely interested to hear people talk (talk, not brag) about their job, because I want to know what people are doing with their lives, and their attitudes about it tell me so much about their moral understanding of the world.

So, yeah, if you want someone to clear out a room, invite me to your party.

I’m naturally combative, not naturally peaceful.  And that makes me despair of ever being socially graceful and fun to be around.

But with what Father said yesterday, I’m wondering if I might have things backwards.  Maybe it isn’t that happiness will bring me peace, maybe it’s that peace will bring me happiness.  And then maybe I would be a little bit less of a downer.

I should probably get this sorted before my friends stop inviting me to events.

(1 Year, 9 Months, and 8 Days Sober)