Welcome to the awkward world of Andrea.

When I was 15 I couldn’t get a boy to look at me.  Now, a great deal of this was because I dressed terribly and screamed at anyone who tried to talk to me.  (I was rather unpleasant.)  But even so, girls with “problems” never seemed to have trouble getting boyfriends, so I appeared (in my own mind) to be a special case of nothing-special.  Even as I soften up in college guys always found one of my friends more attractive and interesting.  I was apparently born with a sign saying “Nothing to See Here, Move Along.”

Now at 29 I am looking seriously at my future, at getting married, having children.  Friends are suggesting setting me up with men who are in their mid-late 30s, which I have no problem with.  I consider myself a woman, with a serious life and a semi-mature attitude towards the world.

AND STUPID 15 YEAR OLD BOYS KEEP TRYING TO FLIRT WITH ME!

Over the last couple months every week or so some high-schooler who thinks far too highly of his powers of seduction tires to chat me up.  This has been happening on the bus, on the street, in stores.

The latest incident was on Thursday night and there was witness, much to my humiliation.  My friend and I went to see Lincoln.  She went up to the window and bought her ticket with no problem.  I went to the neighboring window and it took me three times as long to get my ticket.  When I approached the young man leaned forward, put on his best smile, and proceeded to ask me not only why I was seeing Lincoln, but why I wasn’t seeing The Hobbit (“You look like a fantasy girl to me”), as well as what kind of movies I prefer (“so what is your genre?) and finally telling me “I’m not gonna let you leave until you fess up and tell me what you’re into.”  So intent was he on divining my entertainment proclivities that I had to remind him to actually give me my ticket to the movie I was trying to see.  When I was finally free from the pint-sized Casanova I turned to see my friend giving me a questioning look and when she asked me why it took so long I exclaimed in frustrated voice “because stupid boys think it’s ok to flirt with me even though I’m clearly twice their age!”

She burst out laughing.  She told me that it kind of looked like something strange was going on.  I proceeded to tell her about intrusion of pipsqueak admirers into my life lately and she continued to laugh.  It is funny after all.

We both got quite a good chuckle (ok, she did) when it happened AGAIN at the concession stand.  All I wanted was Diet Coke.  What I got was Coke, a come-on, and an opportunity to provide the comic relief for my friend.  Apparently I was so striking that my change fell off the counter.  Ok, no big deal, at least not to me.  But apparently my disregard for the importance of this moment was seen as an opening for under-age amorous intentions.  In possibly the cheesiest voice I’ve ever heard he asked me if I’d like to file a complaint with the management (“if service isn’t up to standard I can have you speak to my boss”) and when I declined he reached to cover my hand while thanking me for my understanding.  I am not kidding.  This exchange happened, straight-from-reality-tv-pick-up-line included.

“Wow Andrea, you must really be looking good tonight.” My friend managed to control her laughter until we had at least turned away from this poor misguided boy.  Let’s be clear: I wasn’t looking anything but haggard.  I had been up since 4:45 AM to go to a doctor’s appointment.  I had taught all day with no break.  I was wearing no make-up, my hair was pulled back under a beanie, and black hoodie doesn’t show a hint of skin.  Now, even not put together for a board meeting, I think it’s fairly clear that I am not a teenager, and have no been for a while.  I don’t think I should have to say “if you can’t vote don’t apply” but apparently I do.

I am not interested in what is so wrong with the universe that this keeps happening.  Nor do I have any interest in correcting these young men by pointing out the hilarious awfulness of their approach.  That is for their peers to do.  Therefore what I want to know is: aren’t there any teenage girls for the employes to flirt with going to the movies anymore?

(1 Year, 2 Months, 25 Days Sober)