Today I came to a conclusion of epic importance.

And it is:

Giving up sugar is not my path to heaven.

By the last period today I was a total crazy bitch.  I was trying to give up on candy and desserts and overly sugary crap for Advent.  To try and work more on myself and to sooth myself less with cupcakes.  It’s this thing where I am trying to identify the patterns of avoidance that I fall into and addressing them.  I totally gorge on sweets to make myself feel better when I think I’m sad or stressed or put upon.  And it really wasn’t going too badly.  I was thinking I was pretty virtuous and while I thought I was a little cranky, it didn’t seem too bad.

Then as the day went on the minor annoyances got more and more major.  I have one student that no matter what spare-time activity (something to do if you finish before the rest of the class) I offer, she wants to do something different.  Usually I try to be flexible with her, but today I just couldn’t.  I couldn’t put up with her need to be different for the sake of being treated differently.  The same went for two girls who made up a story to get girls in the 4th grade in trouble.  I couldn’t for a second see their side of it, ask myself why they would be doing something to blatantly attention seeking.  Slowly but surely I was worn down until I was almost in tears because there was a huge miscommunication as to whether they needed to change for gym or not.  When I went down to the office while my students were in gym the last period I looked at the left over St. Nicholas candy, and said “fuck it, I really need that.”  And two pieces later I felt a lot less like screaming.

So it seems that I need a minimal amount of sugar because without any I start crying and raging at the drop of a hat.

That’s when I realized that while I am called to be holy, giving up entirely any sort of baked good or chocolate goodie is not a part of that call.  It makes me so less than holy. And I honestly feel like it is was the sugar.  Overall I had a pretty good week.  I had two parent meetings that were not horrid.  (I have very low standards for parent meetings.) My kids were really well behaved at the ballet yesterday and seemed to really enjoy it.  I went to a meeting on Tuesday for the first time in months and was just so happy that I did.  Looking at things, nothing really to say “that, there, that was unacceptable.”  And yet, but the end of today I just wanted to tear my hair out.

So I do have to be more moderate in my appetites.  And I do need to stop playing a shell game of distraction when I feel less than awesome.  But I do not need to stop sugaring.

(1 Year, 2 Months and 17 Days Sober)