I just got back from seeing the last Twilight movie with some friends.

I think I enjoyed it way more than I should have.

Let me explain.

I had a really long and frustrating week.  I was impatient with my students.  I came home every night and just crawled into bed, refusing to accept that the rest of the world existed.  When I knew I was being irrational I could step back and remove myself from the situation, but I couldn’t get ahead of the irrational.  I looked at my pile of grading growing bigger and bigger but felt no will to tackle it.

But more than anything I felt very lonely.  Lonely in the sense that I didn’t want to have to reach out and tell someone that I was low, I wanted there to already be someone there who would notice that I needed some cheering up and would make that his job to do.  It’s always a little awkward to call someone and say “hey I just feel off and kind of need someone to talk to.”  I am much better about doing that than I was a year and 3 months ago.  (Then I couldn’t do that at all)  But I would like to have someone in my life who would call me to find out how my day was without my prompting.  My natural reaction is to make fun of myself for thinking something as cliched as “I wish I had a boyfriend,” but I don’t wish I had a boyfriend.  I wish I loved someone enough to do for him what I want him to do for me.

By the time yesterday morning rolled around I wasn’t looking forward to coming home after work to more of the same that had been going on all week.  So when Alissa called and invited me to an art show and to go shopping at Target afterwards I jumped on it, even though I was worried I wouldn’t be very good company.  The show was amazing and I bought a really beautiful piece that will look fantastic above my desk when I finally save up the money to frame it.  I picked up a shit ton of pencils at Target because my students keep wandering off with the class pencils.  And like always I had a blast hanging out with Alissa, talking about politics and listening to adorable stories of her children’s exploits.

I did something out of the ordinary last night.  Something way out of my comfort zone. I asked a friend of mine, who was also at the art show, if she had any single male friends she thought would be a good fit for me.  My friend is always in matchmaking mode (she is hilarious) and immediately she started telling me all about a friend of hers. I have only ever once before asked any of my friends to set me up with someone and I never followed up with her about it.  At any point before yesterday I would have been so embarrassed to even bring it up.  Any romantic hopes I’ve had have either been very very private conversations with people I trust implicitly, or vague third person theory debates.  By simply talking to me friend, asking if she knew anyone, I took a step towards making myself more present in my own life.  To connecting my current actions to my future hopes.

And maybe that is why I didn’t feel particularly distracted today.  I didn’t have random snippets of discontent floating around the back of my mind all day.  When I met some girlfriends for the movie I wasn’t half absorbed with my ongoing work problems or my lack of motivation for exercising.  I was engaged with my friends and willing to admit that I was enjoying an awesomely crappy movie with them.

I came home happy with my life.

It’s easy for me to get caught up in what I don’t have (perfect hair, much money, easy social graces) and to forget that over the last year I have developed a bit of self-reliance in asking for the help that I need.  When I have those opportunities to see just how fun and giving and lovely my friends are I wonder how I am able to forget all the help that is out there for me.  I don’t think that it’s that I forget the help is there.  I forget that I have to ask for it.  And I forget that asking will sometimes be hard.

(1 Year, 2 Months, 11 Days Sober