Telling people that I am a recovering alcoholic is still difficult for me.

I know that it seems like what I’m about to say is total shit, but I’ve always been an extremely private person.  Always having been introverted and shy, I really don’t like telling people personal information.  Yup, I know how stupid that sounds considering that I am sharing my business on the internet.  But that’s the truth of it.

And as I said above, it is still difficult for me to tell people “no, I don’t drink anymore.”  I don’t have a problem saying “no” when they offer me a glass of wine, that comes pretty naturally now.  It is the follow-up.  The somewhat quizzical look and the “since when?” head nod that makes me all awkward.  I can’t even say that I’m afraid because someone has reacted poorly.  That isn’t the case at all.  Everyone has been kind and supportive, and some people have been genuinely interested, asking lots of follow up questions and such.  But it is a huge thing about myself to reveal to another person.  On the one hand it gives them an insight into me, we become closer through that shared knowledge.  On the other hand, in the way that I am used to seeing things, it gives them power over me.  By telling that other person I am trusting them to a) not tell anyone else, and b) to not use it against me at some future point.  (You would think from the way I talk that everyone I know is a grifter or a spy.  They aren’t.  I am just not super trusting.)  It is easy for me to get caught between letting things be awkward for a few minutes and not answering unasked questions, or explaining why I would rather have water and opening myself up to condemnation, pity or gossip.

More than in my personal life, I feel torn in my professional life.  I’m a 3rd grade teacher.  Only one other person who works at my school knows that I am in recovery.  She and I have been friends for over 10 years and she knew before I started working at the school, so it is more that she is a friend who knows rather than a co-worker who knows.  But I’m starting to feel like I am keeping this big secret from my co-workers.  I don’t feel particularly close to many of them, and I know that it is my doing.  They have reached out and tried to form friendships with me, and I have been very reticent.  And I know that a huge part of it is that I don’t really want to tell them that I am a recovering alcoholic, but I know that truth is a huge aspect of who I am.  

So how close is it possible for me to be to someone if they don’t know?  What kind of friendships can I have with my coworkers if I continue to keep my personal life guarded like the gate to Azkaban?  In a way it is like I am still hiding the way I was a year ago.  To a very select few people I am completely open and honest, and everyone else better stay the fuck away.

(1 Year and 23 Days Sober)